but I keep having episodes of mania and severe depression. and its a never ending cycle. And its not getting any better. Not really sure but I think I might have bipolar depression. Since sometime the beginning of this year.
That we just don’t talk anymore. I really believed in you, thought you could be better, thought that you wanted to be better. Its just gotten to a point that your apologies are never enough anymore. Your friendship means nothing to me. And your so called effort and way of caring just isn’t enough. I just don’t believe in you anymore.
thinking, why the hell am I here.
this weekend felt like it never happened. Back to reality.
Everyone is constantly telling me that I’m making a poor choice and that I should know better. But somehow, I still want to prove them wrong. I want to prove to them that there is something good in the people I choose to be friends with, the people I choose to invest in, the people I choose to date. Because I have yet to meet someone who I absolutely regret meeting. Every person I meet brings a new lesson, a new perspective. And as of lately, it seems like I’m the one who brings something to gain to the table. And if I could help, I am more than willing to help. Whether if it is just someone to talk to, someone to lean on, someone to just tell about your day, hey I’m down. Because that’s the type of person I am. Despite what people say you are, what you’ve done; it doesn’t mean that anyone should be deprived of our human need for communication, the need to be loved, the need to be understood, the need to be human.
And that’s what I believe in. I don’t believe that I should deny a friendship or association based off of other people’s judgements. I want to help. And I’m not looking to change anyone. But if they want to change and are asking for help, I’m there.
When I make an investment in someone, I invest my time, effort, and emotion into them. I take time to study their habits, likes and dislikes, worries, flaws and faults, goals, and etc. I go out of my way to help them out because I care. And honestly, I don’t expect them to do the same for me or go to that extent, but I only ask for honesty and respect. If you can’t do just that for me, then I don’t know what kind of person you are, and if you’re proud of that. But that’s someone I don’t think I’d want to invest in.
I have also come to terms with my fears. Fears of being hurt, fears of hurting someone else, fears of failure. I’ve stopped being so afraid because I promised myself I won’t hold myself back anymore. Even when it comes to love. If I want to learn, grow, and experience, then I need to get hurt, hurt someone else, and fail at some point in my life. So from here on out, I won’t censor myself for fear of what others thing. Let them think what they want, because this is me, the real me. And if they can accept that, then great, if not, thats great too. I will love like I’ve never loved before, give it my all, and if I find someone that can love me back the same, then that’s wonderful. And I will do the best I can do without doubting myself, because if I fail, then at least I can say I tried.
They all contribute to my strength, and its an honor to hear that they think of me as strong too.
After a day of driving from San Diego to San Bernardino back to Costa Mesa, filled with acoustic music, and laying in bed just staring at the ceiling just thinking… I think I’ve come to terms with who I am and what I can’t change. I am a person who knows my self worth and will always strive to do better for myself. I will always be seeking to learn more from people, yearning to grow from people, living vicariously through people. I will always want more. And at times… love just isn’t enough. I’ve come to accept that I will never have a normal relationship, and I will never be satisfied with simply the minimum a relationship has to offer. And its sad because as much as I’d like to settle down, get married, have kids, and be content with it, I will never be truly happy. There are multiple opportunities for love, but there is only one chance at living my life. And I’d like to say that all I want in life is to love and be loved, but its not. And it truly makes me sad to think that I’m just not capable of loving and being loved because of the way I am. You would think that someone who loves you unconditionally with all of their all is enough. But thats the deal breaker for me, it breaks my heart to let that sort of love go, it frightens me to cross that boundary and pass up that simple life, but in the end, its just not me. I’m not simple. I can’t live simply. I will always want more. And that’s just who I am. Will I grow old and alone? Maybe. But its unfair to me and to any man to have to put up with how I prioritize relationships. Someday I will find a balance. At the moment, its time to live for me, and let go of a future that could have happened.
Its hit me that you’re no longer a part of my life. That I will no longer have someone I can talk to anytime I want to. That I won’t have someone to call without hesitation. That I can never be as comfortable as I was with you. I realize that I’d probably won’t find someone who loved me the way that you did, and that I’d probably never love someone the way I loved you. I don’t think I’d want to. Its hard for me to say that I want to fall in love all over again because in the end, it sucks to be on either side of the relationship. But despite everything, I truly am sorry. I’m sorry about everything I did when we were together, when we broke up, and things that happened after. I know I did wrong. And I know you never did nothing wrong. It was all me. I’m not sorry for ending things though. Because I know you deserve better. And its not me.