The way a man treats his mother is the same way he would treat his significant other. So why be with someone who is going to not take you seriously, talk to you like you’re a child, mutter under their breath, and assume that any reason why you would be the slightest bit upset is idiotic.
There comes a point where I won’t always be coming back. And this is the breaking point.
I feel too old for my generation. My interests are completely different from the average 21 year old. But I guess I like it. It surprises people. I kind of like hearing that I’m very mature for my age from elders.
Never let the past make you hateful. I’m looking through old pictures and I’m thinking, what happened to all of these people? To all of my old friends? To the person(s) that I loved? I don’t know. I don’t know who they are anymore. And I don’t care to think about it. That’s fine. But acting as if I never knew who they were, never went anywhere with them, never learned anything from them, and practically acting as if they never existed is wrong. Maybe so, that they were a part of my past for a reason, and that there was a reason I want to think that way. But if they were a part of my past, then of course, they are also a part of me. So forgetting the past, and acting as if it never happened, is forgetting a part of who I am, who I was, and the part that built up to who I was made out to be today. And I’ll never learn anything more about myself if I can’t accept who I used to be.
I find myself doing more things out of habit that I never used to do. Like how I set the table is how I would set a table at Guppies. How I clean my room is how I would clean my apartment. My need to clean is from living with 2 Nazis. But I feel like compared to last year, I’ve grown up a bit in my daily life skills and habits. Getting in habit to use a planner, reading a chapter a day, keeping clean instead of cleaning up all the time, and overall trying to use my time more wisely. Well my full school year hasn’t begun yet, but we shall see. Just returning home and being in my room makes me see the difference. Usually I would plop on my bed and spend all day on the laptop in my room watching movies and shows. But now I actually want to spend time with my little brother and help around the house. And clean my room.. lol. I’d say I’ve disciplined myself slowly.
Home for the weekend, but I feel like nothing is the same. My room feels so empty without my clothes, my original curtains, my lights, and ME. Dinner just isn’t the same anymore. A table usually set for 5 is only set for 3. Mom and Dad don’t even use their ricebowls and chopsticks anymore, they just use a regular spoon and bowl. Prayers are said individually. There’s no staying in the kitchen and talking while eating fruit after dinner. Sleeping is difficult. No one watching movies or TV anymore. No one sleeping on the couch in the middle of the day. My bathroom isn’t my bathroom anymore. I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel like home anymore. Home feels like being back at the apartment in bed and watching TV. Home isn’t home anymore. :/
Sometimes I feel bad for doing me. Because in doing so, it affects my family. It affects my brother, is that he feels responsible for my financial situation as well as the family’s. He feels that as if my choice in not going straight to university is his fault. And it sucks because he has to hear it everyday from my parents. I can’t even begin to understand because I can’t stand being at home for a week, let alone for most of the year. And its even worse to hear my parents compare him to me. I just feel bad, because he basically can’t go out or do what he wants to do, because I’m doing what I want to do. Its a whole circle. I wish I could somehow help. I hate seeing my older brother cry. Or talk down on himself. Or just plain don’t believe in himself.
It sucks. Coming from his sister, I feel like there’s nothing I could do that would help.
—Super Rich Kids (feat. Earl Sweatshirt)